


Ineffable Daughter

by CarrieWrites



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: BECAUSE APPARENTLY HAVING A KID ISN'T A HUGE WAKE UP CALL, F/M, Gen, M/M, a BIOLOGICAL ONE at that, basically what if they had a daughter, lots of pining, part snek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 14:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20311312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarrieWrites/pseuds/CarrieWrites
Summary: Rachel Hanna Fell-Crowley is the daughter of the angel Aziraphale and the demon Crowley.She's 60% demon and 40% angel, or, as she likes to refer herself: an angel-demon hybrid.She loves her parents, but they can be such oblivious idiots.How, after 6000 years and HAVING HER they still are pining for each other, she doesn't know.However, when she's 6 years old, her dad has to deliver the anti-christ, the start of the end of the world, Armageddon.Only to realize, 11 years later when she's 17, her dad and papa have been watching over the wrong boy.There's only so much a 17-year-old angel-demon hybrid can do...is helping her parents stop Armageddon without letting Heaven and Hell know she exists one of them?





	Ineffable Daughter

** _Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 1/2 billion years old. These dates are incorrect. Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also, incorrect. Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday the 21st of October, 4004 BC, at 9:00 a.m. This too was incorrect, by almost a quarter of an hour. It was created at 9:12 in the morning which was correct. The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser on the night our history begins reads as follows: "You may be feeling rundown and always in the same daily round. A friend is important to you. You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads. Help could come from an unexpected quarter." This was perfectly correct on every count, except for the bit about the salads. To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6,000 earlier, to be precise. Just after the beginning. It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple._ **

The ground makes a rumbling sound as a serpent crawls from it, flicking its tongue, whispering to the woman.

"Go on. This apple will give you..."

The woman takes the apple, biting into it and then giving it to the man.

X

They exit the garden, a flaming sword in the man's hand and the woman pregnant.

** _It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet. But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. And it was going to be a big one._ **

As God narrates, the serpent is slithering up the wall to where an Angel stands guard, standing as it morphs into a demon.

"Well, that went down like a lead balloon." the Demon remarks.

The angel chuckles nervously, glancing at the Demon.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I said, 'Well, that went down like a lead balloon.'" The Demon repeats himself, turning to the Angel.

"Yes, yes, it did, rather." The Angel agrees.

"Bit of an overreaction if you ask me." The Demon adds, the Angel turning to look at him.

"First offense and everything."

They both share a glance before the Demon continues.

"I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway."

"Well, it must be bad..." the Angel starts to say before he pauses, turning to the Demon.

"Crawley." The Demon introduces himself.

"...Crawley. Otherwise...you wouldn't have tempted them into it." The Angel continues.

"Oh, they just said, 'Get up there and make some trouble.'"

"Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do."

"Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a 'Don't Touch' sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning."

"Best not to speculate. It's all part of the Great Plan. It's not for us to understand." The angel says, pausing before continuing;

"It's _ineffable_."

"The Great Plan's ineffable?" Crawley asks.

"Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words." The Angel says, but Crawley is only half-listening.

"Didn't you have a flaming sword?" He asks, the Angel tensing.

"Uh..."

"You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?"

"Uh..."

"Lost it already, have you?"

"...Gave it away."

Crawley's eyes widened.

"You WHAT?"

"I gave it away!"

Crawley stares at the Angel with shock and fondness, immediately deciding to like this one.

"There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already. And I said, 'Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here.'...I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing." The Angel says, hesitance in his voice.

"Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing." Crawley says, attempting to relieve the Angel, which works.

"Oh! Oh, thank- Oh, thank you. It's been bothering me."

A lion roars in the distance, the two turning to see the man and woman backing up when they see a lion.

"I've been worrying, too. What if I did the right thing with the whole 'eat the apple' business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing."

The Angel frowns, not exactly liking the sound of that.

"It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one."

They both chuckle, before the Angel came to a realization.

"No. It wouldn't be funny at all."

"Well..."

An awkward silence consumes them as the first rain pours on them, the Angel lifting his wig for Crawley to duck under, protecting him from it.

** _Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last 11 years of human history, in strict accordance, as shall be shown with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch._ **

X

** _It wasn't a dark and stormy night. But don't let the weather fool you. Just because it's a mild night doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad. They are. They are everywhere._ **

Two demons come from the ground of a graveyard, one holding a basket.

** _Two demons lurk at the edge of the graveyard. They are pacing themselves, and can lurk for the rest of the night, if necessary. With still enough sullen menace left for a final burst of lurking around dawn._ **

One of the demons lit a cigarette with his flaming hand, the other pacing behind him.

"Bugger this for a lark. He should have been waiting for us."

"Do you trust him?"

"Nope."

"Good. It'd be a funny old world if demons went around trusting each other. What's he calling himself up here these days?"

"Crowley."

At a distance, a Bentley drives up to the graveyard, Bohemian Rhapsody playing loudly in the car.

"Here he comes now, the flash bastard."

"If you ask me, he's been up here too long. Gone native. Enjoying himself too much. Wearing sunglasses, even when he doesn't need them. All hail Satan."

"All hail Satan."

"Uh, hi, guys. Sorry, I'm late, but you know how it is on the A40 at Denham. I tried to cut up towards Chorleywood." Crowley starts to say but gets interrupted.

"Now that we are all here, let us recount the deeds of the day."

"Of course. Deeds, yeah."

"I have tempted a priest. As he walked down the street, he saw all the pretty girls in the sun. I put doubt into his mind. He would have been a saint. Now, within a decade, we shall have him."

The demon chuckles.

"Yeah, nice one," Crowley says, turning to the other demon.

"I have corrupted a politician. Let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt. Within a year, we shall have him."

"Right, you'll like this. I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight."

Crows caw at a distance.

"...Yeah?"

"Yeah. It wasn't easy—"

"And what exactly has that done to secure souls for our master?"

"Oh, come on, think about it," Crowley says, laughing.

"Fifteen million pissed-off people who take it out on each other."

"It's not exactly...craftsmanship."

"Well, head office don't seem to mind," Crowley says, half-annoyed that they didn't think it was genius.

It wasn't even HIS idea.

Of course, he can't exactly say whose idea it was.

"They love me down there, guys. Times are changing. So..."

Crowley shrugs, sniffing.

"...what's up?"

"This is."

The other demon lifts the picnic basket.

Crowley tenses.

"No."

"Yes."

Crowley stares at the picnic basket, a mixture of conflicting emotions swirling in his head.

"Already?"

"Yes."

"And it's up to me to...?"

"Yes." Both the demons say.

The demon with the picnic basket hands it to Crowley, waiting for him to take it.

"You know, listen, it..."

Crowley stammers, hating the fact that it was his responsibility.

"...really isn't my scene."

"Your scene. Your starring role. Take it." The Demon with the basket says to Crowley.

"Like you said, times are changing."

"They come to an end, for a start."

"Why me?" Crowley asks.

"Well, they love you down there. And what an opportunity. Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight."

"Or someone's right arm, anyway."

"Sign here."

Crowley licks his finger as sparks fly from it, signing a sheet of paper that the demon pulled out.

"Now what?"

"You will receive your instructions. And why so glum? The moment we have all been working for all these centuries is at hand."

"Centuries?"

"Our moment of eternal triumph awaits."

"Triumph."

"And you will be a tool of that glorious destiny."

"Glorious tool. Yeah."

He nods, taking the basket.

"I'll, um, be off then. Get it over with. No, I want to get it over with, obviously, but, I'll be popping along. Great. Fine. Yeah."

He takes off to his car.

"Ciao!"

He opens the door to the back seat, placing it next to the black seat booster with white polka-dots.

He sighed, staring at that reminder of the MAIN REASON apart of the others why he hated this.

He goes to the driver's seat of the car and drives off.

** _Crowley was all in favor of Armageddon in general terms. But it was one thing to work to bring it about, and quite another for it to actually happen. Crowley also had hoped it wouldn't have happened for at least another century as six years ago, his view on Armageddon happening had drastically changed._ **

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Why me?" Crowley cursed.

_"It was because...you earned it, Crowley, didn't you? What you did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling."_

"The M25? Yeah, well...Yeah, I'm glad it went down so well."

_"Here are your instructions. This is the big one, Crowley."_

And at that instant, Crowley knew what he had to do, and hated it.

He had a half a mind to run away with the baby and go to Aziraphale and raise it together.

Rachel wouldn't mind a baby brother.

However, it was too much of a risk and fearing that Heaven and Hell will find out about her, he decides to follow the instructions just as he turns sharply when a truck is about to hit him.

X

Speaking of Aziraphale, he's at a Japanese restaurant, one of the chef's handing him his favorite sushi rolls.

_"Here is the selection of your favorite sushi rolls, my dear Aziraphale-san." _The chef says to him in Japanese.

_"Thank you, chef, that's very kind of you."_ Aziraphale replies, bowing.

_"And your daughter? I could have sworn I saw her a minute ago."_

_"Ah, went to wash her hands." _Aziraphale smiles, remembering the girl telling him that she was going to wash her hands and flashing a big toothy grin, her blue eyes sparkling.

_"Heh, well her dish should be ready in a moment."_

As the chef left him to continue the girl's order, Aziraphale smells the sushi, sighing contently.

Suddenly, a sharp ringing sound is heard only to Aziraphale...and possibly Rachel, as he turns to see what it could be when he turns to his right, tensing immediately at the sight of the angel.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Gabriel? What an unexpected pleasure."

That was a lie.

This was a stressful and anxious ridden surprise.

Oh, he does hope Rachel is still in the bathroom, not wanting Gabriel to find out who and exactly WHAT she is.

"It's been..."

"Quite a while, yes...Why do you consume that?"

Gabriel points at the sushi.

"You're an angel."

"It's sushi. It's nice. You dip it in soy sauce...It's what humans do. And if I am going to be living here among them, ahem, well, keeping up appearances. Tea?"

"I do not sully the temple of my celestial body with gross matter."

"Obviously not...Nice suit."

"Yes, I like the clothes. Pity they won't be around much longer."

Aziraphale's smile fades.

"They won't?"

"We have reliable information that things...are afoot."

"...They are?"

"Yes. My informant suggests that the demon...Crowley may be involved."

Aziraphale tenses again, glancing down.

"You need to keep him under observation, without, of course, letting him know that's what you're doing."

"I-I do know, yes. I've been on Earth doing this since the beginning."

"So has Crowley."

Aziraphale smiles at him, though it's tight.

"It's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet. Yes, I know."

Gabriel laughs.

"Miracles are what we do."

Gabriel leaves, causing Aziraphale to sigh, worry over his expression.

"Papa? What's the matter?"

He turns and smiles, GENUINELY smiles at the red-haired, blue-eyed, 6-year-old girl staring up at him.

"Oh, nothing to worry sweetheart."

"Who was that?"

"An angel, love. I'm glad you remembered to stay away from when we were talking."

"Why do I need to be hidden from Heaven and Hell Papa?"

Aziraphale picks her up, sitting her on his lap.

"You know why, Rachel...as much as it pains me and your Dad to say this but...you wouldn't be welcomed in either."

Rachel huffs, crossing her arms, her eyes changing into snake-like blue eyes.

"It's not fair...my existence is a peacemaker if anything."

Aziraphale nods, pressing a kiss to Rachel's cheek as she places on her white sunglasses.

"Sadly...they wouldn't see it that way sweetheart."


End file.
